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Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Chapter 11. Who Stole the Tarts?
The King and Queen of Hearts were sitting on their throne when they arrived.
A great crowd stood around them, with all sorts of little birds, animals, and the whole pack of cards.
The Knave was standing before them in chains with a soldier at each side to guard him.
Near the King was the White Rabbit with a trumpet in one hand and a long paper in the other.
In the middle of the court was a table with a large dish of tarts on it.
They looked so good that it made Alice very hungry to look at them.
"I wish they'd get the trial done,"
She thought, "and hand round the food!" But there seemed to be no chance of this.
So she began looking at everything around her to pass the time.
Alice had never been in a court before, but she had read about them in books.
And she was pleased to find that she knew the name of almost everything there.
"That's the judge," she said to herself, "because of his big wig."
The judge, by the way, was the King.
He wore his crown over the wig, so he did not look at all comfortable or good.
"And that's the jury-box," thought Alice.
"And those twelve creatures,"
She had to say "creatures" because some were animals and some were birds.
"I suppose they're the jurors," she said.
She said "jurors" two or three times to herself, feeling proud that few girls her age knew it.
However, "jury-men" would have done just as well.
The twelve jurors were all writing very busy on slates.
"What are they doing?" Alice whispered to the Gryphon.
"They can't have anything to write yet before the trial has begun."
"They're putting down their names," the Gryphon whispered back, "in case they forget them before the trial ends."
"Stupid things!" Alice began in a loud angry voice, but she stopped quickly.
The White Rabbit cried, "Silence in the court!" and the King put on his glasses and looked round for who was talking.
Alice could see, as if she were looking over their shoulders, that all the jurors were writing "stupid things!" on their slates.
She could even see that one of them didn't know how to spell "stupid" and had to ask his neighbor to tell him.
"A nice mess their slates will be in before the trial is over!" thought Alice.
One of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked.
Alice could not stand it, so she went round the court, got behind him, and soon took it away.
She did it so quickly that the little juror, Bill the Lizard, couldn't make out what had happened to it.
After looking all about for it, he had to write with one finger for the rest of the day.
This did very little good, because it left no mark on the slate.
"Herald, read the accusation!" said the King.
The White Rabbit blew three short notes on the trumpet and then unrolled the paper and read this rhyme
"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts All on a summer day The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts And took them quite away"
"Consider your verdict," the King said to the jury.
"Not yet, not yet!" the Rabbit quickly broke in.
"There's a great deal to come before that!"
"Call the first witness," said the King, and the White Rabbit blew three notes on the trumpet and called out, "First witness!"
The first witness was the Hatter.
He came in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the other.
"I beg pardon, your Majesty," he began, "for bringing these in, but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for."
"You ought to have finished," said the King.
"When did you begin?"
The Hatter looked at the March Hare, who had come into the court arm in arm with the Dormouse.
"Fourteenth of March, I think it was," he said.
"Fifteenth," said the March Hare.
"Sixteenth," added the Dormouse.
"Write that down,"
"Write that down," the King said to the jury.
The jury quickly wrote all three dates on their slates, added them and changed the answer into shillings and pence.
"Take off your hat," the King said to the Hatter.
"It isn't mine," said the Hatter.
"Stolen!" the King cried, turning to the jury, who at once made a note of the fact.
"I keep them to sell," the Hatter added to explain.
"I have none of my own. I'm a hatter."
Here the Queen put on her glasses and began staring at the Hatter, who turned pale and moved about.
"Give your evidence," said the King, "and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot."
This didn't help the witness at all.
He kept moving from one foot to the other, looking nervous at the Queen.
In his mix up he bit a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and butter.
Just at this moment Alice felt a strange feeling, which puzzled her a lot until she knew what it was.
She was beginning to grow larger again, and at first she thought she'd get up and leave the court.
Then she decided to stay where she was as long as there was room.
"I wish you wouldn't squeeze so," said the Dormouse who was sitting next to her.
"I can hardly breathe."
"I can't help it," said Alice very softly.
"I'm growing."
"You've no right to grow here," said the Dormmouse.
"Don't talk nonsense," said Alice more boldly.
"You know you're growing too."
"Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace," said the Dormouse.
"Not in that silly way." And he got up very cross and crossed to the other side of the court.
All this time the Queen hadn't stopped staring at the Hatter.
Just as the Dormouse crossed the court she said to one of the officers of the court,
"Bring me the list of the singers in the last concert!"
The poor Hatter shook so that he dropped both his shoes.
"Give your evidence," the King said again in anger, "or I'll have you executed whether you're nervous or not."
"I'm a poor man, your Majesty," the Hatter began in a shaking voice.
"I hadn't begun my tea, not more than a week or so."
"And what with the bread and butter getting so thin, and the twinkling of the tea."
"The twinkling of the what?" said the King.
"It began with the tea," the Hatter answered.
"Of course twinkling begins with a T!" said the King sharply.
"Do you take me for a fool? Go on!"
"I'm a poor man," the Hatter went on, "and most things twinkled after that, only the March Hare said"
"I didn't!" the March Hare broke in quickly.
"You did!" said the Hatter.
"I deny it!" said the March Hare.
"He denies it," said the King.
"Leave out that part."
"Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said"
The Hatter went on, looking to see if the Dormmouse would deny it, but he said nothing, he slept.
"After that," the Hatter continued, "I cut some more bread and butter"
"But what did the Dormouse say?" one of the jury asked.
"That I can't remember," the Hatter said.
"You must remember," said the King, "or I'll have you executed."
The unhappy Hatter dropped his teacup and bread and butter and went down on one knee.
"I'm a poor man, your Majesty," he began.
"You're a very poor speaker," said the King.
Here one of the guinea pigs cheered and was at once stopped by the officers of the court.
They had a large canvas bag which tied up at the mouth with strings.
Into this they put the guinea pig head first and then sat on it.
"I'm glad I've seen that done," thought Alice.
"I've often read in papers, "There were tries at applause, which were at once stopped by the officers of the court.
I never understood what it meant until now.
"If that's all you know about it, you may stand down," the King said.
"I can't go no lower," said the Hatter.
"I'm on the floor as it's."
"Then you may sit down," the King answered.
Here the other guinea pig cheered and was stopped.
"Well, that finished the guinea pigs!" thought Alice.
"Now we'll get on better."
"I'd rather finish my tea," said the Hatter with a worried look at the Queen, who was reading the list of singers.
"You may go," said the King, and the Hatter hurried out of the court without even waiting to put his shoes on.
"And just take his head off outside,"
The Queen added to one of the officers, but the Hatter was out of sight before the officer could reach the door.
"Call the next witness!" said the King.
The next witness was the Duchess's cook.
She carried the pepper box in her hand.
Alice guessed who she was before she got into the court by the way people near the door began sneezing.
"Give your evidence," said the King.
"Shan't," said the cook.
The King looked anxiously at the White Rabbit, who said in a low voice, "Your Majesty must cross examine this witness."
"Well, if I must, I must," the King said with a sad look.
He folded his arms and frowned at the cook until his eyes looked nearly out of sight.
Then he said in a deep voice, "What are tarts made of?"
"Pepper, mostly," said the cook.
"Treacle," said a sleepy voice behind her.
"Collar that Dormouse," the Queen cried out.
"Behead that Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!"
For minutes the whole court was in chaos getting Dormouse out, and when they quieted down cook was gone.
"Never mind!" said the King with a great look of relief.
"Call the next witness."
"He whispered to the Queen, "My dear, you must cross examine the next witness. My forehead aches!
Alice watched the White Rabbit as he looked through the list.
She felt very curious to know what the next witness would be like, as they hadn't got much yet.
Imagine her surprise when the White Rabbit read out in his thin little voice the name "Alice"