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Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Chapter 8. The Queen's Croquet-Ground
A large rose-tree stood near the entrance of the garden.
The roses on it were white, but three gardeners were busy painting them red.
Alice thought this very strange, and she went nearer to watch them.
Just as she came up she heard one say, "Look out now, Five! Don't splash paint over me like that!"
"I couldn't help it," said Five in a sulky voice, "Seven bumped my elbow."
Then Seven looked up and said, "That's right, Five! Always say it was someone else!"
"You'd better not talk!" said Five.
"I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to have your head cut off!"
"What for?" said the one who had spoken first.
"That's none of your business, Two!" said Seven.
"Yes, it's his business!" said Five.
"I'll tell him. It was for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions."
Seven threw down his brush and had just begun, "Well, of all the unfair things, "
When his eye fell on Alice as she stood watching, and he stopped at once.
The others looked round too, and all of them bowed low.
"Would you tell me," said Alice a little timidly, "why you're painting those roses?"
Five and Seven said nothing but looked at Two.
Two began in a low voice,
"Why the fact is, you see, Miss, this should have been a red rose-tree, and we put a white one by mistake."
"If the Queen found out, we'd all have our heads cut off, you know."
"So you see, Miss, we're doing our best, before she comes, to,"
At that moment Five, who had been looking across the garden, called out, "The Queen! The Queen!"
"The three gardeners at once threw themselves flat on their faces."
There was the sound of many feet, and Alice looked round, eager to see the Queen.
First came ten soldiers carrying clubs.
These were all shaped like the three gardeners, long and flat, with their hands and feet at the corners.
Next came the ten courtiers, these were covered with diamonds and walked two by two like the soldiers.
After these came the royal children.
There were ten of them, and the little dears came jumping happily along hand in hand in pairs.
They were all covered with hearts.
Next came the guests, mostly Kings and Queens, and among them Alice saw the White Rabbit.
It was talking in a quick nervous way, smiling at everything, and it went by without seeing her.
Then came the Knave of Hearts, carrying the King's crown on a bright red velvet cushion.
Last of all this grand line came THE KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS.
Alice wasn't sure if she should lie down like the three gardeners.
But she couldn't remember such a rule at parades.
"And besides, what good would a parade be,"
She thought, "if people had to lie on their faces so they couldn't see it?" So she stood where she was and waited.
When the parade came opposite Alice they all stopped and looked at her.
The Queen said sharply, "Who's this?" She said it to the Knave of Hearts, who only bowed and smiled.
"Idiot!" said the Queen, tossing her head in anger.
Then turning to Alice she went on, "What's your name, child?"
"My name is Alice, so please your Majesty," said Alice very politely, but she added to herself.
"Why, they're only a pack of cards after all. I needn't be afraid of them!"
"And who are these?" said the Queen, pointing to the three gardeners who were lying round the rose-tree.
As they lay on their faces, their backs showed the same pattern as the rest of the pack.
She could not tell if they were gardeners, soldiers, people of the court, or three of her own children.
"How should I know?" said Alice, surprised at her own courage.
"It's not my business."
The Queen turned red with anger and, after glaring at her for a moment like a wild beast, screamed, "Off with her head! Off, "
"Nonsense!" said Alice very loudly and clearly, and the Queen was quiet.
The King laid his hand on her arm and timidly said, "Think, my dear. She's only a child."
The Queen turned angrily away and said to the Knave, "Turn them over!"
The Knave did this very carefully with one foot.
"Get up!" said the Queen in a sharp loud voice.
"The three gardeners jumped up at once and began bowing to the King, the Queen, the royal children, and everyone else."
"Stop that!" screamed the Queen.
"You make me giddy." Then, turning to the rose-tree, she went on, "What have you been doing here?"
"May it please your Majesty," said Two in a very humble voice, going down on one knee, "we were trying, "
"I see!" said the Queen, who had been looking at the roses.
"Off with their heads!" The parade moved on, three of the soldiers staying behind to cut off the gardeners' heads.
The gardeners ran to Alice for help.
"You shan't be killed!" said Alice, and she put them into a large flower-pot that stood near.
The three soldiers wandered about for a minute looking for them and then quietly walked off after the others.
"Are their heads off?" shouted the Queen.
"Their heads are gone, if it please your Majesty!" the soldiers shouted back.
"That's right!" shouted the Queen.
"Can you play croquet?"
The soldiers were quiet and looked at Alice, as the question was clearly for her.
"Yes!" shouted Alice.
"Come on then!" roared the Queen, and Alice joined the parade, wondering very much what would happen next.
"It's a very fine day!" said a shy voice at her side.
She was walking by the White Rabbit, who kept peeping anxiously at her face.
"Very," said Alice.
"Where's the Duchess?"
"Hush! Hush!" said the Rabbit in a low, quick voice.
He looked anxiously over his shoulder and then stood on tiptoe, put his mouth close to her ear, and whispered,
"She's under sentence of execution."
"What for?" said Alice.
"Did you say 'What a pity'?" the Rabbit asked.
"No, I didn't," said Alice.
"I don't think it's a pity at all. I said 'What for?'"
"She boxed the Queen's ears," the Rabbit began.
Alice gave a little scream of laughter.
"Oh, hush!" the Rabbit whispered in a frightened voice.
"The Queen will hear you! You see, she came late, and the Queen said, "
"Get to your places!" shouted the Queen in a voice like thunder, and people began running about in all directions and bumping into each other.
They settled down in a minute or two and the game began.
Alice thought she had never seen such a strange croquet-ground.
It was all ridges and furrows.
The balls were live hedgehogs, and the mallets were live flamingoes.
The soldiers had to curl up and stand on their hands and feet to make the arches.
The main problem Alice had at first was with her flamingo.
She got its body tucked away under her arm with its legs hanging down.
She had its neck straight and was going to hit the hedgehog with its head.
Then it would turn and look up at her with a puzzled face.
She couldn't help laughing at the flamingo's confused look and its silly legs.
When she got its head down and began again, the hedgehog had unrolled itself and was crawling away.
Besides this, there was often a ridge or furrow in the way where she wanted to send the hedgehog.
And the curled-up soldiers were always getting up and walking to other parts of the ground.
Alice soon decided it was a very hard game.
All the players played at once without waiting for turns.
They quarreled all the time and fought for the hedgehogs.
In a very short time the Queen was in a furious temper, stamping about and shouting, "Off with his head!"
Or "Off with her head!" about once a minute.
Alice began to feel very uneasy.
She hadn't yet had any trouble with the Queen, but she knew it might happen any minute.
"And then," she thought, "what would happen to me? They're very fond of cutting off heads here. The great wonder is that anyone is left alive."
She was looking for a way to get away without being seen when she saw a strange thing in the air.
It puzzled her at first, but after watching it for a minute she saw it was a grin.
She said to herself, "It's the Cheshire Cat. Now I'll have someone to talk to."
"How are you getting on?" said the Cat as soon as there was a mouth enough to speak with.
Alice waited till the eyes appeared and then she nodded.
"It's no use speaking to it,"
She thought, "till its ears appear, or at least one of them."
"In another minute the whole head came. Alice put down her flamingo, glad to have someone to listen."
The Cat seemed to think there was enough of it now in sight and no more of it appeared.
"I don't think they play fairly," Alice began in a complaining tone.
"They all quarrel so much one can't hear oneself speak."
"They don't seem to have any rules."
"If there are rules, nobody follows them."
"You have no idea how confusing it's with all the things alive."
"For instance, there's the arch I must go through next walking at the other end of the ground."
"I'd have hit the Queen's hedgehog just now only it ran away when it saw mine coming."
"How do you like the Queen?" said the Cat in a low voice.
"Not at all," said Alice.
"She's so likely to win that it's hardly worth finishing the game."
Just then she saw the Queen close behind her listening, so she went on.
The Queen smiled and passed on.
"Who are you talking to?" said the King, going up to Alice and looking at the Cat's head with great interest.
"It's a friend of mine, a Cheshire Cat," said Alice.
"Allow me to introduce it."
"I don't like the look of it at all," said the King.
"However, it may kiss my hand if it likes."
"I'd rather not," the Cat said.
"Don't be rude," said the King, "and don't look at me like that!" He got behind Alice as he spoke.
"A cat may look at a king," said Alice.
"I have read that in some book, but I don't remember where."
"Well, it must be removed," said the King very firmly, and he called the Queen who was passing.
"My dear! I wish you'd have this cat removed!"
The Queen had only one way to settle every problem, big or small.
"Off with his head!" she said without even looking round.
"I'll fetch the man who cuts off heads myself," said the King eagerly, and he hurried off.
Alice thought she might as well go back to see how the game went, hearing the Queen scream.
She had already heard the Queen sentence three of the players to be executed for missing their turns.
She did not like things, the game was so confused she never knew if it was her turn.
So she went to look for her hedgehog.
The hedgehog was fighting with another hedgehog, which seemed to Alice a good chance to hit one with the other.
The problem was that her flamingo was on the other side of the garden trying to fly into a tree.
By the time she had caught the flamingo and brought it back the fight was over and both hedgehogs were out of sight.
"But it doesn't matter much," thought Alice.
"As all the arches are gone from this side of the ground."
So she tucked the flamingo under her arm so it wouldn't escape and went back for more talk with her friend.
When she came back to the Cheshire Cat she was surprised to find a large crowd round it.
There was an argument between the man who cuts off heads, the King, and the Queen.
They were all talking at once while the rest were silent and looked very uncomfortable.
As soon as Alice appeared all three asked her to decide the question.
They told their reasons to her, but as they all spoke at once she found it very hard to hear what they said.
The man who cuts off heads said you can't cut off a head unless there's a body to cut it off from.
He said he had never done such a thing before and he wasn't going to begin now.
The King said that anything with a head could be beheaded and that she shouldn't talk nonsense.
The Queen said that if nothing was done in less than no time she'd have everyone killed all round.
This last remark had made the whole group look so worried.
Alice could think of nothing else to say but, "It belongs to the Duchess. You had better ask her about it."
"She's in prison," the Queen said to the man who cuts off heads.
"Fetch her here." The man ran off like an arrow.
The Cat's head began to fade when he left, by the time he returned with the Duchess it was gone.
The King and the man who cuts off heads ran up and down, looking for it.
The rest of the people went back to the game.