Read the chapter
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Chapter 9. The Mock Turtle's Story
"You can't think how glad I'm to see you again, you dear old thing!" said the Duchess, putting her arm into Alice's, walking off.
Alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasant mood.
She thought maybe it was only the pepper that made her so angry when they met in the kitchen.
"When I'm a Duchess,"
She said to herself, not in a very hopeful tone, "I won't have any pepper in my kitchen at all."
"Soup does very well without."
"Maybe it's always pepper that makes people angry," she went on, very pleased to find a new rule.
"And vinegar makes them sour, and camomile makes them bitter, and barley-sugar and such things make children sweet."
"I only wish people knew that, then they wouldn't be so mean about it, you know".
She had quite forgotten the Duchess by this time, and was a little surprised when she heard her voice close to her ear.
"You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk."
"I can't tell you just now what the moral of that's, but I'll remember it in a bit."
"Perhaps it hasn't one," Alice said.
"Tut, tut, child!" said the Duchess.
"Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it." And she moved up closer to Alice's side as she spoke.
Alice didn't much like keeping so close to her.
First, because the Duchess was very ugly.
Second, because she was exactly the right height to rest her chin on Alice's shoulder.
And it was an uncomfortably sharp chin.
However, she didn't like to be rude, so she put up with it as well as she could.
"The game's going on rather better now," she said, to keep the talk going a little.
"'Tis so," said the Duchess, "and the moral of that's, 'Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round!'"
"Somebody said," Alice whispered, "that it's done by everybody minding their own business!"
"Ah, well"!
"It means much the same thing," said the Duchess, pushing her sharp little chin into Alice's shoulder.
She added, "And the moral of that's, 'Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.'"
"How fond she's of finding morals in things!" Alice thought.
"I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your waist," the Duchess said after a pause.
"The reason is that I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try the experiment?"
"He might bite," Alice said carefully, not feeling at all happy to have the experiment tried.
"Very true," said the Duchess.
"Flamingos and mustard both bite. And the moral of that's, 'Birds of a feather flock together.'"
"Only mustard isn't a bird," Alice said.
"Right, as usual," said the Duchess.
"What a clear way you have of putting things!"
"It's a mineral, I think," said Alice.
"Of course it's," said the Duchess, who seemed ready to agree to everything Alice said.
"There's a large mustard mine near here. And the moral of that's, 'The more there's of mine, the less there's of yours.'"
"Oh, I know!" cried Alice, who hadn't listened to this last remark.
"It's a vegetable. It doesn't look like one, but it's."
"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess.
And the moral of that's, "Be what you'd seem to be."
Or, if you'd like it put more simply, "Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise."
"That what you were or might have been wasn't otherwise".
"Than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."
"I think I should understand that better,"
Alice said very politely, "if I had it written down, but I can't quite follow it as you say it.".
"That's nothing to what I could say if I chose," the Duchess replied in a pleased tone.
"Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that," said Alice.
"Oh, don't talk about trouble!" said the Duchess.
"I give you everything I've said as yet."
"A cheap sort of present!" thought Alice.
"I'm glad they don't give birthday presents like that!" But she didn't say it out loud.
"Thinking again?" the Duchess asked, with another dig of her sharp little chin.
"I've a right to think," said Alice sharply, for she was beginning to feel a little upset.
"Just about as much right," said the Duchess, "as pigs have to fly, and the m-"
But here, to Alice's great surprise, the Duchess's voice stopped, even in the middle of her favourite word "moral,"
And the arm that was linked into hers began to shake.
Alice looked up, and there stood the Queen in front of them, with her arms folded, frowning like a storm.
"A fine day, your Majesty!" the Duchess began in a low, weak voice.
"Now, I give you fair warning," shouted the Queen, stamping on the ground as she spoke.
"Either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time! Take your choice!"
The Duchess took her choice, and was gone in a moment.
"Let's go on with the game," the Queen said to Alice.
Alice was too frightened to say a word, but slowly followed her back to the croquet ground.
The other guests had used the Queen's absence to rest in the shade.
When they saw her, they hurried back to game, the Queen said a moment's delay would cost them their lives.
All the time they were playing the Queen never stopped quarrelling with the other players, and shouting "Off with his head!"
Or "Off with her head!" Those she sent were taken by the soldiers, who had to stop being arches to do this.
By the end of half an hour there were no arches left.
All the players, except the King, the Queen, and Alice, were in custody and waiting to be executed.
Then the Queen stopped, quite out of breath, and said to Alice, "Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?"
"No," said Alice.
"I don't even know what a Mock Turtle is."
"It's the thing Mock Turtle Soup is made from," said the Queen.
"I never saw one, or heard of one," said Alice.
"Come on, then," said the Queen, "and he shall tell you his history."
As they walked off together, Alice heard the King say in a low voice to the company, "You're all pardoned."
"Come, that's a good thing!" she said to herself, for she had felt unhappy at the number of executions the Queen had ordered.
They very soon came upon a Gryphon, lying fast asleep in the sun.
If you don't know what a Gryphon is, look at the picture.
"Up, lazy thing!" said the Queen.
"And take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle, and to hear his history."
"I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered." She walked off, leaving Alice alone with the Gryphon.
Alice didn't much like the look of the creature.
She thought it safer to stay with it than to follow the angry Queen, so she waited.
The Gryphon sat up and rubbed its eyes.
Then it watched the Queen till she was out of sight, then it chuckled.
"What fun!" said the Gryphon, half to itself, half to Alice.
"What's the fun?" said Alice.
"Why, she," said the Gryphon.
"It's all her fancy, that. They never execute anybody, you know. Come on!"
"Everybody says 'come on!' here," thought Alice as she went slowly after it.
"I never was so ordered about in my life, never!"
They hadn't gone far before they saw the Mock Turtle in the distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little rock ledge.
As they came nearer, Alice could hear him sighing as if his heart would break.
She felt very sorry for him.
"What's his sorrow?"
"She asked the Gryphon, and the Gryphon answered in nearly the same words as before."
"It's all his fancy, that. He hasn't got no sorrow, you know. Come on"!
So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with large eyes full of tears, but said nothing.
"This here young lady," said the Gryphon, "she wants to know your history, she does."
"I'll tell it her," said the Mock Turtle in a deep, hollow voice.
"Sit down, both of you, and don't speak a word till I've finished."
So they sat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes.
Alice thought, "I don't see how he can ever finish, if he doesn't begin." But she waited patiently.
"Once," said the Mock Turtle at last with a deep sigh, "I was a real Turtle."
These words were followed by a long silence, broken only by an occasional "Hjckrrh!"
From the Gryphon, and the constant heavy sobbing of the Mock Turtle.
Alice was nearly getting up to say, "Thank you, sir, for your interesting story,"
But she couldn't help thinking there must be more to come, so she sat still and said nothing.
"When we were little,"
"The Mock Turtle went on at last, more calmly, though still sobbing a little now and then."
"We went to school in the sea, the master was an old Turtle, and we used to call him Tortoise".
"Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one?" Alice asked.
"We called him Tortoise because he taught us," said the Mock Turtle angrily.
"Really you're very dull!"
"You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question," added the Gryphon.
Then they both sat silent and looked at poor Alice, who felt ready to sink into the earth.
At last the Gryphon said to the Mock Turtle, "Drive on, old fellow!"
"Don't be all day about it!" And he went on in these words,
"Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mayn't believe it."
"I never said I didn't!" interrupted Alice.
"You did," said the Mock Turtle.
"Hold your tongue!" added the Gryphon before Alice could speak again.
The Mock Turtle went on, and began telling them more about his school days.
"We had the best of educations. In fact, we went to school every day."
"I've been to a day school, too," said Alice.
"You needn't be so proud as all that."
"With extras?" asked the Mock Turtle a little anxiously.
"Yes," said Alice, "we learned French and music."
"And washing?" said the Mock Turtle.
"Certainly not!" said Alice in a strong voice.
"Ah! then yours wasn't a really good school," said the Mock Turtle with a tone of great relief.
"Now at ours they had at the end of the bill, 'French, music, and washing. Extra.'"
"You couldn't have wanted it much," said Alice.
"Living at the bottom of the sea."
"I couldn't afford to learn it," said the Mock Turtle with a sigh.
"I only took the regular course."
"What was that?" asked Alice.
"Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with," the Mock Turtle replied, "and then the different branches of Arithmetic. Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision."
"I never heard of 'Uglification,'" Alice said.
"What's it?"
The Gryphon lifted up both its paws in surprise.
"What! Never heard of uglifying!" it cried.
"You know what to beautify is, I suppose?"
"Yes," said Alice, not sure, "it means to make anything prettier."
"Well, then," the Gryphon went on, "if you don't know what to uglify is, you're a simpleton."
Alice didn't feel brave to ask any more questions about it, so she turned to the Mock Turtle and said,
"What else had you to learn?"
"Well, there was Mystery,"
The Mock Turtle said, counting off subjects on his flippers, "Mystery, old and new, with Seaography."
"Then Drawling," he said.
"The Drawling master was an old conger eel, he came once a week and taught Drawling, Stretching, Fainting in Coils".
"What was that like?" said Alice.
"Well, I can't show it you myself," the Mock Turtle said.
"I'm too stiff. And the Gryphon never learnt it."
"Hadn't time," said the Gryphon.
"I went to the Classics master, though. He was an old crab."
"I never went to him," the Mock Turtle said with a sigh.
"He taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say."
"So he did, so he did," said the Gryphon, sighing in his turn, and both creatures hid their faces in their paws.
"And how many hours a day did you do lessons?" said Alice, in a hurry to change the subject.
"Ten hours the first day," said the Mock Turtle.
"Nine the next, and so on."
"What a curious plan!" said Alice.
"That's the reason they're called lessons," the Gryphon said, "because they lessen from day to day."
This was a new idea to Alice, and she thought a little before she made her next remark.
"Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday?"
"Of course it was," said the Mock Turtle.
"And how did you manage on the twelfth?" Alice asked eagerly.
"That's enough about lessons," the Gryphon interrupted in a very decided tone.
"Tell her something about the games now."